A This to Shall Pass

Life is a freestyle dance , where you are thrown all kinds of beats, slow ones, fast ones, happy ones, sad ones. We move to the rhythm and depending on our attitude, prospective and circumstances, we can do that perfectly balanced spin and remain fly, or we must keep putting our arms down to create momentum for the spin. Well right now, I am trying to turn my life upside. That last couple of years have been difficult, life changers. The death of a family member, the loss of a child, They have forced me to grow and reevaluate my position in life. As I have begun to analyze myself, if forces me to analyze my environment and the people I have chosen to surround myself with. Recently I went and hung out with my old crew, and I felt alone. like really alone in a room full of people. I wasn't trying to scope my next jump off, or get messed up and dance the night away. I got some issues that are going on that remain on my mind 24-7. Like how can I change my stars, how can I change this situation. What do I need to do to become the person I know I can and should be. I guess I have been super reflective because I am quickly approaching my ten year class reunion. This year I determined that I was going to go back to school. Because working dead end jobs, for menially pay is not where its at. I know education will provide me with hope, not that I don't have it now, but the road will be much harder. I know I will have to continue to work hard, and survive, strive and thrive. But I feel like I have been spining my wheels for way to long. I want something bigger and better, I feel so unsatisfied somedays. But I am grateful, to have a job, a car, roof over my head, and food to eat. But I guess if you dont have those big dreams, something to chase after than life wouldnt be as interesting

Striving for the View

So I have been thinking lately, that it would be in my best interest to keep a solid record of my thoughts, views, personal struggles, achievements and Epiphanies. I am 27 and I feel like an old woman in a sense. I read more than I party, I am set in my ways, but I am choosing to change. Last year was a traumatic roller coaster ride, that forced me to sit back and examine my life, the choices and decisions I have made that have got me to this point. I cant say that I am proud of everything I have done... or lack thereof.

I have always lived my life leading with my heart.... Even when I knew that there would be consequences I would suffer, I have tried to do what i thought was right(in most cases). I choose the name Scatterbrained because a friend and I had a conversation about if she were to write an autobiography she would title it Scatterbrained, because the weight of her actions never struck a cord until she was living with the consequences. That title stuck with me because I feel that I am the type of person who goes on emotion first and then sits down and contemplates the situation after I have already set the wheels in motion.

Since last year I had to re-evalute my situation/lifestyle etc.. this year I am going to attempt to start to change the flaws in me. To become the woman I know I should be.. Life has a funny way of throwing curveballs at your ass, when you are attempting to do beter. Not little inconveniences but big ass obstacles you have to navigate with care. I started the year with my usual goals. go back to school, quit smoking, be a lil more selfish......

Now going back to school was my first goal to attack..I figured I could handle a couple of classes easily.... Shiiiitttttt... 5 years is a long time to be out of school... I tackled my freshmen year in college and left due to demand on the job thinking I will just take a short semester break... I kept pushing it off, when I realized in July I have been out of High School for 10 years. 10 fucking years....Thats was a reality check. I need to get my shit together quick fast and in a hurry...

I always knew I would go to college, I just didn't expect it to happen at my ripe old age...lol... I figured my life would be a lot different. But I made some sacrifices for the people in my life that pushed my goals to the side(another blog). Hindsight is a muthafucka... I think back and wished I would have made my goals part of my daily life rather than getting wrapped up in the day to day drama that bombards us all. Well no point in harping over shit that cant be changed.. just my thoughts for the day