Turning 28

I turned 28 today... I woke up this morning a little groggy to a lot of phone calls. 2 out of the three Mom's called, my Dad woke me up and my sister called. When I stepped through the door I got a few gifts from the people in the office. I feel loved....

I have been sitting still and thinking about my choices lately, and realizing I am not sticking to my improvement goals so well. I read a post by Chuck in the City regarding Goals and Planning and i wanted to wait to a really think about what my goals are.....what I really want.... these are loaded questions with multi dimensional answers, to be applied differently in different portions of my life. I just hope that in planning and I attempting to implement, I start to see progress.. which will motivate me to continue....

My Mommie Dorie

About this time Dorie became an integral part of my life.... I knew I was going to run but I didn't know how soon and when, where would I live...etc. I met my Dorie. She was the Drop Out Prevention specialist at my high school. She knew my older brother and my cousin. She was determined to see kids graduate, To make it through whatever was going on. Whether she had to pick you up or drop you off at school, find you a way to and from work, pay your bills, whatever resources she had at her disposal were there to save us kids. I don't know what I would have done without her, when I finally ran, I couch hoped for months, I bounced from one house, to another, to another, I really didn't have many clothes, I kept a job so that I could afford to offer whoever I was staying with something. I had a couple of cold nights with no where to go. But I made it, during my senior year I settled with a family I had known since child hood. they had taken in a few other girls in similar situations. We all lived together, like 10 of us in a 4 bedroom, then we increased to 13 when the oldest daughter moved back home. My life was a blur, we worked hard, I had 2 jobs, I helped Dorie when I could as a student assistant, I worked for Greyhound telemarketing, I was a part time student taking 4 classes, part of student council and a party girl. LOL... And we partied hard, see we are approximately 45 minutes from the Mexico border, the legal drinking age is 18. About 3 blocks from the border are a strip of clubs. With fake ID and a little make up, we were getting it in. If we couldn't make it to Mexico we partied at the West on 18 and up nights. I was living on 3-4 hours of sleep a night maybe.... Things were cool for about 4 months and things started to unravel at the house. With All of us girls things were bound to get ugly. I managed to stay out of most of the fights and not pick sides, but enter my baby sis senior year. She was messing with some older dude, who happened to be the boyfriend of one of my roommates... And it spiraled quickly, I defended baby sis, which caused tension. They stopped picking me up from work, stopped being so nice, blamed things on me, particularly a 900 dollar telephone bill which I was not responsible for.. Shit, I ended up paying it even after I moved out... I moved out when it came to blows, the sister of my roommate confronted my sister who slapped her. About 3 weeks prior to graduation we fought in front of the auditorium. I remember it vividly. I had on a silk wrap skirt and a cute blouse, and my best friend rounded the corner after 4Th period furious, I had to pry why he was so upset out of him. He told me my roommates where spreading rumors saying horrible shit and If i didn't do anything he would. Well after ditching 5th period I confronted the culprit in front of the auditorium. I told her to meet me around the corner after school and we could handle it. My sister who was in a tight mini dress heard the exchange, she knew what was poppin. Put her purse down and slapped the shit out of ole girl. One of lifes, freeze frame moments. I watched shock, horror and embarrassment cross girls face. And then out of no where another roommate approached and attempted to punch my sister. I dont remember the detail but I know I bulldozed her out of the side door into a brick wall... I knew I was going to get me ass kicked because she was training for the national guard but to my surprise I was so angry I didnt feel a thing. We punched and pushed and slapped, until one of our mutual friends tried to break it up. He got abused in the process. Mike and Elliot snuck me off campus, Dorie got wind of it, and chewed my ass out, and managed to get school officials to look the other way. My sister got suspended, I ended up moving to my Moms due to lack of options. Dorie talked to me, kept me sane, helped me with clothes etc. since all the things I left at the other house were forfeit. She played liaison, saving my ass, as much as she could. She kind of adopted me and my brother and sister, and other kids me knew from around the way. Keeping us sane, encouraging us, and scolding us like a good mother does. One thing is for sure, you dont want to disappoint Dorie. She has a hold on us kids, she is like an emotional whirlwind, yelling at you, cussing you out like a Good New Yorker, then in the same breath crying because she knows your story, your circumstance, and then convincing you with a whim of determination, that you can and will do this, and better, That failing is not an option. Dorie and Her partner in crime have changed me, and changed my heart, she and Diane love us kids, with a ferocity. They are there with cards every holiday, there with love and support, there with a swift kick in the ass waiting, whenever we need them. Dorie and Diane and my adopted brothers and sisters are my haphazard family. We are like the rainbow, different personalities, nationalities etc, but joined in life, and in love of people. We dont see each other often but they are my family just as much as my real family maybe more in some ways. Because our link is by choice not by blood, we choose to be family.. I couldn't ask to be in a better family......

To Grandmothers House We Go

Things trudged along, I continued to work, and try to focus a bit, as much as needed. I lived with my grandmother for a few months. But I started to get into trouble, sneaking out not coming home on time. She caught me and things weren’t looking good. My mother ended up developing another cyst on her spine. Since I was 10 she had developed about 3 different types of cancer, cancerous pollocks on her intestine, uterine cancer, the cysts, they scheduled the surgery to remove it. Prior to the surgery my grandmother forced me to go back and live with her(Mom). She felt it was my responsibility to take care of her. I did but things didn’t go well. I had to cook , clean take care of the house and her. Change her bandages, bathe her etc. Most things went well but I was not a very good cook. She would scream at me, ridicule me, and I was the focus of her anger and pain. I ended up crying into the arms of my best friend whom she hated(more on that later). After about 2 months my sister moved back and things were cool for a second.

When summer came I had a full time job. During the summer my mom had moved her sorry ass boyfriend in with us, him and his son. About a month after they moved in my Aunt Annetta passed away. I had only seen a picture of her once, and I was sad but not to upset. My Mother and Uncles decided to drive to Ohio for the burial. We were left in the care of her loser Boyfriend. This was going to be interesting. It started at as a power struggle, he was the man it was his house.. LOL shit…… he had another thing coming. He attempted to be a tyrant for two days , then him and his son left to go somewhere. Well when they came back they couldn't get in. They banged cussed tripped, they weren’t on the lease.. My sister and I defrosted the fridge and threw hunks of ice at them out of the windows.. I cant help but to laugh that shit was priceless… After about 4 hours later they called my mom, who called us. Under violent threats we relented, but life was never the same. They moved out after a couple of months right before the summer was over.

I have always had a passion for fashion, my mom not so much. She would say you have expensive taste I hope you get a good job. The year before my clothing budget for back to school had been something like 200 bucks... It wasn't much but I did my best to make it work. Well I was sure this year would be different so sure. And it was just not how I thought it would be. I worked all summer, and at the end of the summer I got a check for like 900 dollars, plus what I had saved up.. We had a two bedroom and the living situation was cramped. I had been window shopping and had a plan. Plus I was going to stack some money. Well 2 days later the electricity got cut off. I was upset and asked how much so I could pay the bill I had my money hidden in the house. It was like 350... I was hot but I paid it. This was one of my many financial contributions. With her not working, it seemed like I was paying the bills, and the bill money was supplying her habits. SMH.

Well I ended up going to hang out with friends one evening and when i returned home my money was gone. Every cent. No Bull Shit. I knew who did it, and I confronted her... She denied it, lied around it, wouldn't fess up and I was through. I had a stack maybe 1200, and all of it was gone. Confronting her had done no good, fighting wasn’t going to make it better. It was too late to try to work up more cash school started in a matter on weeks. So i was stuck. That year she took me to a thrift store with a hundred dollars for school clothes. By then I started plotting a way out. I felt bad because I would have to leave my sister behind but I was not having this.

The way to the next Mother

When I say the beating commenced, I should explain a bit more. Our living situation became more volatile, My mother reverted back to being a teenager. Like 2 of us wasn't enough. she started smoking weed everyday, drinking everyday, had her homies at the house, and a constant slew of jump offs. Aww, that was awkward, dudes that were my age, people I knew from around the way, they were at my house chopping it up with Mom dukes on a regular. It was infuriating, see Mom didn't have a job so she played hood rat socialite, lol. It was a regular occurrence to come home and find Mom, with a couple of dudes I went to school with and some older guys chilling. My mother is, well, ridiculous at times, she thinks and has always thought that I am a prude, prissy, lol I just kind of came out as her opposite, there is nothing wrong with being wild, but I reserve that side for the person who deserves it.
My sister on the other hand is more like my Mom, they fought a lot because they are just a like. When I was a sophomore my Mom took my sister to get a pair of glasses. We went to the mall and used a voucher to get them. My sister hates glasses, I mean hates them. My Mom was being difficult and wouldn't allow her to pick the frames she wanted. So they began arguing in the store, and it escalated, my Mom grabs my sisters wrists and starts threatening her loud enough for the people in the store to hear. I try to break it up, but my Mom gave me her best, Nigga I will cut you look so, i tried to calm the situation down, without making her blow up. After an unbearable hour of browsing the mall with these two fuming, we go pick up the glasses. They are ugly, they are slightly cat eyed and pink, and the lens is ttthhhhiiiccckkk, I mean damn. It was going to be a brutal experience at school the next day.

My sister in her irritation says I am not wearing those, no way. My Mom in her infinite wisdom, threatens an ass kicking she wont forget, baby sis shrugs and says so what. Now my mom starts hitting her on the way to the car. I get them separated, my sister and I climbing in the back of the truck my Mom driving, as she fumes you better talk to her ass. We go to my great grandmothers house. She is recovering from a recent mastectomy so the family is congregating. I am thinking well at least I will have some back up.

I love my Grandmothers, Great Grandma V is feisty, Grandma is calm but stern she don't play, but she loves us, they both do . We get to the house and immediately Mom starts a tirade,recanting all of the events, SMH my sister and I sit in the back of the house and attempt to be invisible. LOL. My grandmother calls my sister into the other room and she reluctantly goes, my Nana begins to scold her, about being a good child and honoring our mother, and gets an eyeroll, my grandmother reaches to smack her and my sister lifts her hands in defense and my Mom knocks the shit out of her. The next things happened kind of fast, I guess after the initial shock my sister was going to hit my mom back, (i know , I know) and my mom is trying to beat the black off my sister for raising her hand to her grandmother, The screaming starts. I run to try and help, and all three off them are pinned against the sink in the kitchen, My sister is screaming expletives in frustration, my mom, is telling my sister she is going to kill her little bitch, and my grandmother in the middle, taking the brunt of the assault. I jump in from of my mom and try my best to push her away, my Grandmother has my sister. I finally break the hold and push my mom against the wall, and the object of her rage has changed.

She screams she cant believe I am in here attacking her and proceeds to start punching me in the face, i flinch since we are now next to stove( There are cast iron skillets, enough said), but try to control my movements, I don't hit her back, I don't try to protect my face, if I lift a hand, it will only get worse. My Grandmother has dragged my sister into the living room, where her nose is bleeding and she is all scratched up. My Great grandmother is pissed, she is yelling at us all. Shaking her head mad, After a few good punches, my Mom wants my sister, I try to block her and get a swift punch in the gut, I wasn't prepared for. It takes a minute for me to get my bearings, I get to the living room, and my grandmother has my sister on one side of the room, tending to her face, my Mom is glaring across the room. My grandmother calls my uncle to pick us up, and I knew the day had just gotten much worse. After everyone's defenses had calmed or so we thought, my Mom launches across the room and start punching my sister, My grandmother and I try to separate them and my Mom proceeds to bite my sisters leg, hard enough to draw blood, we are separated again. And my uncle comes, the whole ride to my Grandmothers, he is threatening to take is to the police station, saying we should be given away, what hooligans we are. I try to comfort my sister who is crying softly into my shoulder, She is pretty beat up, a black eye, busted lip, and a lot of scratches, her leg is still bleeding. My Brother who is 7 years older than me but still young,he is visibly frustrated, like he is not sure how to handle the situation, he is on the phone with my Grandmother when we walked in. He sees our little sister and softens. In hindsight I feel really bad for him, what a mess we were. We don't have anywhere to go again, so he takes us to work with him. He is a stalker at the grocery store and works the late shit. He refuses to take us home, right away. So my sister and I have ice cream and read the magazines in the store.

At around 1am he takes us to my moms, and will try to talk to her. We walk through the door and she is waiting, still mad, really mad. My sister is behind my brother I go in first and she attacks me, my brother grabs me to pull me away and she starts punching, before I could do anything my sister picks up a jar of eucerin and launches it at my mom. It hits her square in the face, my brother continues to hold me, He wants them to get it out of there system, they struggle, screaming, my sister gets and advantage and is on top. I think Mom is tired, Cherie begins to hit her, and my brother drags us off. Back into the truck, us in the back him in the front. The truck has a shell top, but there are windows on the sides , my mom has a crow bar and she is trying to hit us in the back of the truck. My brother is afraid to hurt her and doesn't pull off right away. My sister and I are screaming and he pulls off slowly, but building speed as he goes. He drives us to his house, he is living with my Grandmother and our next living situation begins... to be continued

A This to Shall Pass

Life is a freestyle dance , where you are thrown all kinds of beats, slow ones, fast ones, happy ones, sad ones. We move to the rhythm and depending on our attitude, prospective and circumstances, we can do that perfectly balanced spin and remain fly, or we must keep putting our arms down to create momentum for the spin. Well right now, I am trying to turn my life upside. That last couple of years have been difficult, life changers. The death of a family member, the loss of a child, They have forced me to grow and reevaluate my position in life. As I have begun to analyze myself, if forces me to analyze my environment and the people I have chosen to surround myself with. Recently I went and hung out with my old crew, and I felt alone. like really alone in a room full of people. I wasn't trying to scope my next jump off, or get messed up and dance the night away. I got some issues that are going on that remain on my mind 24-7. Like how can I change my stars, how can I change this situation. What do I need to do to become the person I know I can and should be. I guess I have been super reflective because I am quickly approaching my ten year class reunion. This year I determined that I was going to go back to school. Because working dead end jobs, for menially pay is not where its at. I know education will provide me with hope, not that I don't have it now, but the road will be much harder. I know I will have to continue to work hard, and survive, strive and thrive. But I feel like I have been spining my wheels for way to long. I want something bigger and better, I feel so unsatisfied somedays. But I am grateful, to have a job, a car, roof over my head, and food to eat. But I guess if you dont have those big dreams, something to chase after than life wouldnt be as interesting

Striving for the View

So I have been thinking lately, that it would be in my best interest to keep a solid record of my thoughts, views, personal struggles, achievements and Epiphanies. I am 27 and I feel like an old woman in a sense. I read more than I party, I am set in my ways, but I am choosing to change. Last year was a traumatic roller coaster ride, that forced me to sit back and examine my life, the choices and decisions I have made that have got me to this point. I cant say that I am proud of everything I have done... or lack thereof.

I have always lived my life leading with my heart.... Even when I knew that there would be consequences I would suffer, I have tried to do what i thought was right(in most cases). I choose the name Scatterbrained because a friend and I had a conversation about if she were to write an autobiography she would title it Scatterbrained, because the weight of her actions never struck a cord until she was living with the consequences. That title stuck with me because I feel that I am the type of person who goes on emotion first and then sits down and contemplates the situation after I have already set the wheels in motion.

Since last year I had to re-evalute my situation/lifestyle etc.. this year I am going to attempt to start to change the flaws in me. To become the woman I know I should be.. Life has a funny way of throwing curveballs at your ass, when you are attempting to do beter. Not little inconveniences but big ass obstacles you have to navigate with care. I started the year with my usual goals. go back to school, quit smoking, be a lil more selfish......

Now going back to school was my first goal to attack..I figured I could handle a couple of classes easily.... Shiiiitttttt... 5 years is a long time to be out of school... I tackled my freshmen year in college and left due to demand on the job thinking I will just take a short semester break... I kept pushing it off, when I realized in July I have been out of High School for 10 years. 10 fucking years....Thats was a reality check. I need to get my shit together quick fast and in a hurry...

I always knew I would go to college, I just didn't expect it to happen at my ripe old age...lol... I figured my life would be a lot different. But I made some sacrifices for the people in my life that pushed my goals to the side(another blog). Hindsight is a muthafucka... I think back and wished I would have made my goals part of my daily life rather than getting wrapped up in the day to day drama that bombards us all. Well no point in harping over shit that cant be changed.. just my thoughts for the day